I don’t love the color pink, but I do love October because it’s all things…BOOBIES! But what about the other months of the year? Do we just shun our shoulder boulders? Do we forget our fun bags? We certainly don’t have to!
To help you care for your flappers all year long, I’ve put together 12 fun-filled facts for you to add to your calendar. Just copy and paste each one below on the same day of the month. When you get your reminder, it’ll do double-duty to remind you of something fun AND to do your self-exam.
NOVEMBER: The boobs have it.
Use your Health Savings Account (HSA) before the end of the year! The American Society for Plastic Surgery says breast augmentation ranks as the No. 1 choice of women opting for plastic surgery — with nearly 300,000 (pairs?) implanted in 2013.
December: Gift ideas for your boob-loving sisters
There’s a whole tribe dedicated to tit gifts. Check these out for the mammaries in your life… Yeah, who knew? I’ve already ordered a couple of these for the ‘Tig Ol’ Bitties’ in my life and I’m considering putting the mammary clothes holder in the exam rooms!
January: Check yo BRA!
The majority of lingerie brands design two collections per year — so the period of time post-holidays (January) and the mid-year point (June/July) are a great time to buy, as those collections are rotating.
More than $16 billion is spent on bras each year, with more than 4 million bras being manufactured each day! The most common bra size is 36D, up from a 34B ten years ago. The increase has been put down to the popularity of cosmetic surgery, the pill and better nourishment. The biggest bra now available for teats on the street is KK – that’s a 20inch cup size. Bet that poor woman can’t shop at Victoria’s Secret!
February: Start a yoga practice…for the love of your boobs.
HIGH IMPACT = stretchy boobs.
I’ve always said running ain’t MY thing, and I now I have an excuse! Our cheblies are made up of things like fat, ducts, lobules, and connective tissue — all of which are held together by bands called Cooper’s ligaments, which wear out with use. To keep those ligaments working their very best, try something more low impact. Once those boobs have sagged, nothing short of a mastopexy will fix them! Remind me to tell y’all the story of how I got stuck trying on a sports bra in Target..and couldn’t get out of it. #thestruggleisreal #hopenoonewasfilmingthatfiasco
March: Daylight savings: Sleep shifts breast shape.
Sleeping on your stomach will NOT cause your breasts to pop but pressing them against a mattress night after night can cause them to start losing their shape over time. Cosmopolitan says sleeping on your side with a pillow under your boobs for support is the best way to keep them looking like, well, breasts, through the years. You can also roll up a pair of socks and then place them between the girls for support as well. As you spring forward this month, think about your poor bongos and how they are faring on your bed.
April: Tax Season. Big boobs attract small spenders.
If he likes you for your ample breasts, chances are you don’t like him for his wealth. A 2013 study found “resource security” impacts a man’s decision on the breast size he prefers. Men short on cash go for chicks with large cha chas. Men with more money prefer women with modest mammaries.
MAY: Graduation Gifts for the Girls
Give your fave grad the gift of the lady globes. BOOB ART!
I know but seriously, Etsy lists 3,194 results for “boob art,” mostly handmade line drawings. To me, they look like cool cave drawings, but I’m no artist. It’s the year of the boob right now with boutiques in every major city selling some variety of boob belongings. There’s even an Instagram artist to whom you can send a topless photo and receive…tada–your ta-tas!! A portrait of your own boobs. That’s the gift that keeps on giving!
June: So that’s where all my weight is…
The average boob weight is 1.1 pounds.
Most women’s left breast is larger than the right one. And ironically, most men’s left testicles hangs lower than the right one. Coincidence? I honestly don’t know! But it’s a cool fact for the next pool party you attend! A woman’s breasts are most symmetrical between days 14 and 16 of her monthly cycle, due to hormones released during ovulation. That may require some tweaking of the bikini top.
July: Born Free
The Topfree Equality movement in the U.S. campaigns to change the law that allows men to bare their chests in public but forbids women and girls from doing so. Laws and ordinances barring female toplessness are being challenged in federal courts around the nation. Each lawsuit, if it prevails at the appellate level, will legalize topfreedom in the following U.S. circuits of appeal (from west to east): 9 (California), 8 (Missouri) and 4 (Maryland). In September 2019, after spending over $300,000, Fort Collins decided to stop defending its ordinance and repeal it. That effectively gave females of all ages the right to go topless wherever males can in the jurisdiction of the 10th Circuit (Wyoming, Utah, Colorado, New Mexico, Kansas, and Oklahoma states as well as all counties and cities therein). Braless and flawless!
August: And if you’re thinking of going topless…Beware nipple hair.
Think spotting a hair on your chin is the scariest place you can find a follicle outside of your scalp? How about finding one (or some) on your nipples? Well, don’t think about it, because you already have some degree of nipple hair. In fact, 2 to 15 dark, straight strands growing at one time is extremely common. If you have darker hair on your head, you’re more likely to have more hair on your nipples. But no fear…just pluck it! Just be careful, because a folliculitis (hair follicle infection) is a real risk of a non-sterile plucking job.
September: Back to school, know your herstory.
1 in 8 of us will get breast cancer in our lifetime. If you’ve had 2 or more relatives with breast cancer, especially before menopause, you may be eligible to do genetic screening to find out your risk!
Massachusetts is the state with the most breast cancer cases in the United States, according to the National Cancer Institute. The state with the lowest number of breast cancer cases is Arkansas.
And then we’re back to next year’s breast cancer awareness month!
My last nip tip? The hooters can get dry. I know…you’re like WHUH??? I gotta moisturize my mammaries now? The skin over a woman’s breasts is thinner than that of the rest of her body, with a few exceptions. Because of this, breasts are prone to dry skin, so make sure you oil the girls up!
