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You want to do WHAT to your vagina?

I have heard, and seen, some crazy things happening downtown – and by now you should know that by “downtown” I mean the vagina. From forgotten tampons to foreign objects up the hoo haas – there isn’t much that I haven’t seen inserted you-know-where.

I’ve been reading, lately, about a few questionable trends in the, shall we call it, lady grooming department that have me scratching my head and planning my next vacation.  Because, if you all don’t take the advice that’s to follow very seriously, your office visits will be paying for my all-inclusive luxury vacation this summer – fact!  You are going to see the posts on Facebook, Instagram and some borderline pornographic videos on YouTube from your FAVORITE celebrities (and a few of your crazy girlfriends) telling you how you MUST try the latest vajayjay trends out there. Before you do, check out the “this is how it’s all going to go very, very wrong”  information below.

Vaginal Scraping – You all remember Spice Girl, Mel B?  Apparently, she has had her vagina scraped and “packed with fresh tissue”.  In all honesty, I have never in my life heard of such a procedure, especially the packing with fresh tissue part. Like, who is the vagina donor?  Anything, I repeat, ANYTHING that forcefully removes layers of tissue from the vagina is going to cause an infection. Period. Full Stop. If you like burning after your scraping, then please feel free to get your lady parts roto rootered.  I strongly discourage you, however.

Yoni Eggs – First off, who wants to walk around with an egg in the vagina?  That sounds like ZERO fun. Imagine standing in the middle of the grocery checkout line and laying an egg – right there! No thanks! I ain’t no chicken. Aside from the embarrassment, Yoni eggs are not going to do 99.9% of the things they claim to. They aren’t going to give you better orgasms, balance your menstrual cycle, or give you herculean vaginal muscle strength – they WILL give you Bacterial Vaginosis or Toxic Shock Syndrome. I don’t care how well you scrub your Jade Yoni egg, it can not be sufficiently cleaned to prevent bacterial growths in the nooks and crannies. Let Gwyneth Paltrow shoot egg projectiles out of her crotch, but keep them out of yours!

Vaginal Steaming – Lawdy, Lawdy, Lawdy, do I have to even point out the obvious dangers here? Burning!  Just because Chrissy Teigen did it on national television, on New Year’s Eve, doesn’t mean you should be squatting over a pot of boiling liquid and the contents of your spice cabinet to steam clean your carpet area!  Your vagina does not need Stanley Steamer to be so fresh and so clean  – she is perfectly capable of cleaning herself out. Thank you very much!

Oh, and if you have terrible cramps, funky discharge and smell like a fish market – you need an antibiotic (probably) from the infection you contracted scraping your vagina and Yoni egging yourself. So, for once and for all, can we agree you are NOT going to do any of that!  Your vagina will thank you. My vacation plans, on the other hand, may be totally ruined!

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